Guilt

[anorienparker.livejournal.com]

Title: Guilt
Author: anorienparker
Fandom: Firefly
Characters: Simon/Jayne, Book
Prompt: 03 Repent for 50scenes
Word Count: 734
Rating: NC17
Summary: Jayne feels the guilt of his betrayal on Ariel.
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: Neither Simon nor Jayne belong to me, sadly, and no money was made from this.


“So, are you sorry you turned them in?” the shepherd asked. “I mean, had Mal not found out and nearly had you sucked out of the air lock, would you still feel guilty?

“Yeah,” Jayne nodded. “I’d still feel guilty as hell. We were sittin’ there, guards all around us, and Simon kept telling me he thought I would have stood a chance if the guards hadn’t been armed. Then he thanked me and, dammit, I was stupid. He was just so ruttin’ grateful and nice and I was the one who’d….”

“Now, Jayne, settle down,” Book said, patting Jayne’s arm in an attempt to calm him. He tilted his head to the side and studied the other man quietly for a moment.

“I think you need to tell him you’re sorry. Confess to him, not to me.”

Jayne shook his head at once. “NO. That ain’t gonna happen!” Jayne slammed his hand down on the table and glared at Book. “I can’t tell him what I did! I just wanted him off the ship! Out of my face where he kept making me want all these things that I don’t deserve and think all these things…” He snapped his mouth shut then, knowing he’d already said too much. “Dammit, Shepherd, you done tricked me into sayin’ things I don’t mean!”

Book leaned back in his chair, looking slightly amused. “I’ve barely said anything at all, Jayne,” he said quietly. “I think you know what you need to do here. You can’t just ask for my forgiveness, or sit here and repent and think things will all be fine. You need to talk to Simon, ask for his forgiveness. Tell him the truth, son. He’s a good man. He’ll help lift this burden off your shoulders.”

“That’s just the point,” Jayne snapped, sitting up and heading toward the door of Books room. “I don’t deserve to have this load lifted. I deserve to have to live with this every day for the rest of my life. The only thing that will make this better will be if he stabs me in the back with one of those scalpels he uses. Then we’d be even.”

~*~
This was it, he thought, the time when Simon would make things right. When those pretty eyes would accuse and that soft, sweet-looking mouth would frown at him and those hands, those hands that had always been so gentle and careful with him would finally, thankfully, cause him pain. Simon knew Jayne had turned them in to the Alliance and Jayne didn’t have to pretend any longer.

As Jayne lay on the exam table, paralyzed and helpless, he wondered just how Simon would exact his revenge. Some drug that would make him unable to breathe? A few cuts to sensitive areas, or maybe pressure to his spine where he’d hurt it so he’d be in agony for weeks? Easy enough to break a few bones even; a rib or two, so it would hurt when he breathed; a few fingers so doing pretty much anything would cause him pain? Hell, Simon could even dislocate something and just leave Jayne there to suffer for hours on end. It wasn’t like he could just move away.

And he deserved it too. Payback would be a bitch, but one he welcomed, so they could finally be even again and he could go back to his usual derisive dismissal of the doctor.

Finally, the time had come. As Simon stood over him, Jayne readied himself.

“I want you to understand one thing, and very clearly. No matter what you do, or say, or plot, no matter how you come down on us, I will never, ever harm you. You’re on this table, you’re safe.”

Jayne’s eyes widened and, if he’d been able to move, he would have grabbed Simon and begged him to do…something. But of course, he couldn’t even move a finger and he wasn’t about to lay there helplessly and put himself out there like that. He had far too much pride.

As Simon left the room, Jayne stared after him, wondering if he would ever find a way to get rid of this terrible, horrible guilt before it ate him alive.

Comments

[engarian.livejournal.com]

Ha! Sometimes the worst thing is being unable to do anything against someone who just is too nice. But they do eventually work it out in such a nice fashion :-)

- Erulisse (one L)